Things you can buy in Pakistani jail

You can buy any kind of drink in jail ranging from a chilled coco cola to vodka. You can also get a truck load of cold drinks if you are facing a trial during hot summers of Punjab province.

You can order a pizza.

Drugs may be hard to get outside the jail, but they are easily available when you are inside.

You can get a separate room with a comfortable bedding.

You can hire the most famous prostitute of the city for a night in jail and that in jailor's room.

You can go outside the jail for a weekend with friends.

You can also father your own kids, while living in jail.

You can do or buy anything in jail for a certain price. The whole jail department sells its services.

Annoying Pakistani wedding

Pakistani weddings take the ultimate tolerance test of guests. Here is what happened to me this Sunday.
There was only one entry on my Sunday office diary: Wedding reception of two brother advocates at 1pm. I planned my Sunday accordingly. I cancelled a very important family obligation, to attend the wedding reception of my colleagues. I was surprised to see no cars parked near the reception area.

When I entered the hall at 1:16pm, it occured to me that I am the first guest. I was anticipating half of the hall to be filled with people, but it was deserted. Only a few catering people were giving finishing touches to arrangements. The anger started boiling and I left the reception, cursing the grooms’ family for making a cruel joke with their guests. If people have to start their functions late than whey they mention an earlier time on their invitation cards.

The killer katora

In a case State vs Naveed, this utensil (Katora) was produced in the court as the weapon of offence.
Naveed had allegedly killed his brother-in-law by smashing the ice-filled Katora on the deceased's head, following a domestic quarrel. We were on the defense side. The prosecution failed to produce a concrete evidence and resultantly the judge gave 10-year rigorous punishment to Naveed, instead of pronouncing death penalty.
Naveed is likely to be acquitted by the high court, if he goes for an appeal.

Hunting: Chachu style

Chachu, lets dispense with his real name for the sake of anonymity, is famous in the outdoor enthusiast club of Jhelum. He is an excellent player of tent pegging and an “avid hunter”. He was on a hunt when he spotted a couple of Siberian ducks in a pond near the Jhelum river. So many ducks in a pond was a jackpot for him as hunters have to do a lot of calling and deployment of decoys (fake ducks to lure the originals) to attract ducks.
Chachu fired two cartridges, each containing more than 60 pellets. The two shots killed five ducks. Chachu ran towards the pond the collect the birds. When he was taking out the birds, he heard someone wailing. An old man was crying, “Why you killed my ducks.” Chachu took two seconds to realise the blunder he had committed. He had killed someone’s pet ducks. He ran away from the spot, and has not visited that area since then.

Zaheer's bike stolen and 'returned'

Zaheer, my law school friend, was sleeping in his room when his elder brother returned home at 2am. Zaheer’s brother did not see his bike in the garage and woke him up to inquire about the two-wheeler. My law school friend, still drowsy, told his brother that he had the keys in his pocket. The family suddenly realized that there had been a theft in the house. All family members were awaken up and told about the theft.
The family kept blaming each other for not locking the main door. The male members decided to report the matter to the police. Zaheer and his cousin went to the police station for report. The report was lodged at around 4am. Zaheer returned to home and slept, thinking about his bike.
When he woke up in the morning, it occurred to him that he had parked his bike outside a shop before he came home. He didn’t tell the family about it and went to the shop the clear his doubt. The shopkeeper had dragged the bike inside his shop as the bike was locked.
To save his face, Zaheer told his family that the unidentified thieves had left the bike a few streets away as its engine stalled.
Zaheer has been telling me about his "weak memory". Like a good friend, I have been telling him his memory is okay. But he has proved me wrong.

NADRA billing centers outshine banks

A mere thought of paying utility bills at bank fatigues us . It’s a painstaking task for people to pay their utility bills at banks, where long queues are observed at noon; where the timing for the payment of bill is short; where the bank official sitting behind a very narrow window speaks with hand gestures; and is least concerned to give you any relief and has not heard the word “customer service”. On the other hand, NADRA’s billing points are a lot better. There is no rush there. They remain open from morning until night and the staff is customer friendly. Perhaps, they are the only good thing ever done to the people of Pakistan. They save them from a lot of trouble. Paying the bills has never been that easy.

Vision and hearing impaired watchmen guard schools

Lately, I have been thinking about the reasons for our ill education system. I had been studying papers written by prominent educators, but could not reach at the roots of the problem. The riddle was solved few days ago when two people – one was hearing impaired and other was vision impaired –entered my office. They wanted some legal opinion which I gave. Upon my inquiry as to their business, they told me that they both are brothers and work as watchmen of government schools.

It was my first experience of meeting with watchmen who could not hear or see properly. Such watchmen can only entice potential thieves, but certainly can’t deter them. There cannot be more insulting attitude towards our schools then by appointing disabled people as watchmen.  

Say no to news channels!

People are surprised to know that I work in an English news channel and there is no news channel tuned on my television set. They drop their jaws when I tell them I don’t even watch the channel I work for.

The Pakistani media, especially the electronic media, has been unable to fill the space it has got due to recent governments’ relaxed media policies. The media has failed to show maturity in broadcasting which it should have shown. The media has nothing to tell but rhetoric of toms, dicks and harries of Pakistani politics.

Around 95 percent of news on our television channels is statements. Talk shows on these televisions channels are plain verbal wrestling between guests whereas anchor acts as a referee. The airing of such content will compel any sane person with ordinary prudence not to watch these channels.

“What do I watch then,” people question me. I reply, “9XM and other music channel that has nothing to do with news of any sort.”
“Can you recommend a good TV host of a current affairs programme,” they ask me before parting.

I suggest them Bheegi Billi, Barra and Chota, and Badshah Bai of 9XM.