Thursday, March 24, 2011

Ten tips to become a successful politician

1. Never miss any funeral or a wedding in your constituency. The more you stay there, the better. This is the strongest habit of politicians. There is no better way to have people to people contact at the expense of  someone else.

2. Never ever put a busy sign outside your office/home. Never say to  your voter that you are having time with your family. Just switch off your phone and ask the gate keeper that you are not home. A switched off cellphone is okay for a voter, but you saying you are busy is a no-no.

3. Find a business which keeps rolling money without too much of your attention. Don't let you voters know your business. They are highly likely to become your debtors and ruing your business. The successful politicians I know, have secret businesses. Their families are even unaware of their businesses.

4. Oblige as many people - especially government employees - as possible. You never know when you need a favour in return from the bureaucrat whose transfer is being done on your behest.

5. Your voter is always right even if he has committed gang rape.

6. You need to be very cunning. All  the illiterate politicians that we see in parliament are geniuses in their own way.  They are master of all trades. It's not an easy task to bag thousand of votes, when so many forces are pulling your legs.

7. Make your voters pour money in your campaign and then oblige them after winning the election. This is common practice among all democracies in the world.

8. Never say no. A plain no annoys the voter. Lies, bluffs and excuses will do just fine.

9. You need to be good at remembering the following (priority wise): names, faces and events.

10. Let the people know where they can find you at any certain time of the day.

PS: I am friends with two politicians. One rules rural constituency and the second lives in an urban area. They both have these traits.


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