Ten tips to become a successful politician

1. Never miss any funeral or a wedding in your constituency. The more you stay there, the better. This is the strongest habit of politicians. There is no better way to have people to people contact at the expense of  someone else.

2. Never ever put a busy sign outside your office/home. Never say to  your voter that you are having time with your family. Just switch off your phone and ask the gate keeper that you are not home. A switched off cellphone is okay for a voter, but you saying you are busy is a no-no.

3. Find a business which keeps rolling money without too much of your attention. Don't let you voters know your business. They are highly likely to become your debtors and ruing your business. The successful politicians I know, have secret businesses. Their families are even unaware of their businesses.

4. Oblige as many people - especially government employees - as possible. You never know when you need a favour in return from the bureaucrat whose transfer is being done on your behest.

5. Your voter is always right even if he has committed gang rape.

6. You need to be very cunning. All  the illiterate politicians that we see in parliament are geniuses in their own way.  They are master of all trades. It's not an easy task to bag thousand of votes, when so many forces are pulling your legs.

7. Make your voters pour money in your campaign and then oblige them after winning the election. This is common practice among all democracies in the world.

8. Never say no. A plain no annoys the voter. Lies, bluffs and excuses will do just fine.

9. You need to be good at remembering the following (priority wise): names, faces and events.

10. Let the people know where they can find you at any certain time of the day.

PS: I am friends with two politicians. One rules rural constituency and the second lives in an urban area. They both have these traits.

Why can't judiciary convict corrupt politicians?

Not a day passes when the media doesn’t unearth a big financial scam involving politicians, bureaucrats or army generals. The scam help the media feed itself for couple of days. Hawkish statements get prominent positions in newspaper and headlines. After that a silent prevails on the issue and the media finds something else.
It’s very rare to see a politician being convicted over corruption charges in India and Pakistan. Let’s narrow down the discussion to Pakistan. The country has a very big anti-corruption department, supported by the national accountability bureau, and assisted by numerous investigating agencies, but both the large orgaisations are not result-oriented.
Corrupt people are too cunning to be caught. Cunningness alone can’t save a politician, government official or general from the accountability. They have contacts with the people in the power and with the ‘holy’ people in the judiciary.
The first-ever statement given by a person embroiled in a corruption scandal is that he trusts the courts and judges. Moonis Elahi did the same soon after returning Pakistan from abroad. Hosting a reception in his honour, he said he trusts the courts. Shahzain Bugti did the same. Nawaz Sharif says the same although with a bit of flattery in its tone.
Politics in Pakistan and India is life long occupation. One term in opposition and the other in power is a routine. Judges and investigating officers have a fixed tenure in their office which ultimately depends on the whim of the politicians. A non-graduate politician who sits in the assembly is too powerful to ruin the career of a bright bureaucrat, an investigating officer and a judge as well. There are too many strings attached with any government sector job to make the post a mere puppet. All the strong, honest, hardworking officers are being manipulated with the strings, majority of which are controlled by the politicians.
This fact alone is sufficient to scare the investigation agencies from collecting concrete evidence against the corrupt people. An operative from the Federal Investigation Agency, which is headed by Interior Minister Rehman Malik, can’t dare to do anything against Ghulam Qadir Gillani, whose father (PM Gillani) is the boss of Rehman Malik.
Nothing happened to Shahzain Bugti for “possessing a huge cache of illegal arms”, all the people convicted by NAB are still in power, Moonis is likely to go scotfree and all the PML-N’s vows to bring the former Punjab government to accountability vanished in air.

PML-N's real face

The Economist wrote,"Through the chopper’s open door, Shahbaz Sharif, pitches a sack of food, then looks down and heaves out another. Mr Sharif has spent almost every day since the floods hit marshalling dykes and dispensing relief. His rivals accuse him of taking political advantage from the deluge. But the country would be in less calamitous shape if more officials worked as hard as he."

This is a recent post of a journalist friend on facebook. The Economist quote was intended for a huge international readership. This quote not only portrays Punjab Chief Minister Shahbaz Sharif as bracing a calamity, it also shortens all other politicians’ stature in the country.
The Pakistani media has gone to limits to criticise the PPP-led government. I wanted to write about the state of affairs in Punjab. The media’s inability to see the provincial affairs is surprising. The whole province is being run by police. PPP Federal Minister Babar Awan’s allegations that Punjab is being run as a police state carry weight. We all know who encouraged the police encounter culture in Punjab.
During the early days of the PML-N government in Punjab, most of my crime reporter friends used to forecast police encounters. A crime reporter would inform us well before time to align the satellite truck of the news station I was working in, as a police encounter was about to happen.
Every official from the rank of district police officer to station house officer is being appointed on the recommendation of the local PML-N parliamentarians.
These police officials, including the DPOs, can’t dare to say no to their local masters. The MNAs use the district police as a tool to smoother opposition members. I daily come across at least six or seven police FIRs that are chalked against the PPP workers in my district. The charges leveled against them range from incest to severe torture and they are totally baseless.
The MNAs involvement does not end here. The parliamentarians also force police to change the course of investigation, at a price – either money in the shape of bribe for police but received by the MNA or MPA or pledge for more vote and support in the next election.
The situation has worsened to the extent that people first go to the local handyman of the MNA before going to the police station for the registration of the FIR. Insiders in the PML-N have disclosed that during the party meetings between the chief minister and parliamentarians, the oft discussed topic is transfer and posting of favourite police and revenue officials.
The Revenue Department is also being run by the parliamentarians. Being a lawyer, I spend more time in courts than anywhere else. Revenue offices are also located nearby. I daily see vehicle of MNA or MPA parked outside these offices. The common practice among litigants is that they approach the revenue department after getting the MNA or MPA approach the department first.
And now something in honour of my local media friends. All major channels of the country have their correspondents/ reporters in Jhelum. These reporters are not paid anything. How do they earn their living? They act as pimps for minor officials in police and other department. The poor chaps have no option except to give their service at a price.