How to attack airbase in Pakistan

Documents required:

• A terror-school leaving certificate from a competent and skilled trainer.
• A couple of years of on-job-training in Kashmir, Afghanistan or FATA.
• A strong belief that every one is infidel except you.

Instructions:

1. Eat Fauji Corn Flakes for a couple of days before the attack. Fauji Corn flakes are prepared from hand picked corn from military estate forms. They release energy in the body very slowly, helping Mujahideen survive long hours of battle.
2. Buy a Bluetooth mobile phone.
3. Visit the base a couple of times before the attack. If you don’t have the bus fare to travel to the base, you can seek inside help.
4. The prayer leader of the mosque in the base will be your major source of contact. He is like Facebook of all people who will support your plan.
5. Buy a pirated CD of star-wars from a roadside stall. The CD stalls outside madrassas who only sell sermon CDs, will provide you star-wars CD with a little extra money.
6. Watch the movie and buy star-war costume.
7. Meanwhile, ask your friends in the base to give you mobile photographs of all key points.
8. Now buy adequate amount of weapons. Since adequate is a vague term and weapons are heavy to carry, just buy a few weapons and use weapons and ammunition from inside the base.
9. Don’t worry for any resistance. The confused reporters that will reach the place of attack immediately, will be as clueless as the security personnel who will reach the place of attack after four hours.
10. Leave the base as silently as you entered it.
11. Don’t forget to make a statement to the media, claiming the responsibility of the attack, because, otherwise, it will cost a reporter his life to do so.

Precautions:

• Try to give as little embarrassment to your ex-masters as possible. Preferably wall-chalk the number of attackers inside the base. The confusion over this number can be very embarrassing.
• Get a fresh hair cut. Your dead body is likely to be photographed by the Interior Ministr’s Blackberry. Appearance does matter even after you die. So avoid ill fitting clothes and slippers.

Interview with defence analyst on Karachi airbase attack

A leading defence analyst has criticised the terrorists and the media who both entered and reached, respectively, at Pakistan Navy’s airbase in Karachi.
Exclusively speaking to That’s Wrong team, Waqas Joyeea has said that media has played a very negative role in defaming the country’s security forces. He has said that media reached at the spot within minutes followed by ambulances followed by police.

Media responsible for security forces' late reaction: Commenting about the four-hour delay in reaching of the army at the spot, he has said that army would have reached at the spot immediatley after the terrorists; had the media, ambulances and police arrived four hours late. Joyeea, who was very glad on being exclusively interviewed by That’s Wrong, served the team with a sumptuous high tea and also asked the team to come again.

Noor Jehan and army's competence: When asked about the competence of Pakistan’s security forces, Joyeea said Eagle ka audio cassettes were a key to improving the competence of security forces. He has said that Begum Noor Jeehan’s untimely death (she had adult grandkids when she died) has also caused a blow to army’s competency.
Seeing the WTF look on the face of this scribe, Joyeea elaborated about the Noor Jeehan twist in the story, saying she and her songs were the army’s major source of getting good public ratings. He also lamented Ibrar-ul-Haq, saying he is too cute to corrupt soldiers’ sexual orientation so he can’t be trusted.
Meanwhile, Joyeea recieved an adult sex joke SMS about the college girls and a chaat vendor outside a girls' college. He laughed sheepishly and whispered the joke to this scribe, ensuring his wife did not listen it.
Joyeea also asked this scribe about the telephone numbers of various news anchors and about their love affairs and some private photos.

Terrorists also use stealth technology: The defence analyst said that terrorists in Karachi used stealth technology to enter the base. He said terrorists did not bathe for a month before the attack and they looked, appeared and smelt no different than the goats and other stray animals that are very popular among the staff at the airbase. He did not rule out the possibility of airbase guards thinking terrorists as goats and donkeys.
When asked what were top bosses doing when terrorists entered the base, he said they were searching for Mullah Omer in the surrounding of GHQ Rawalpindi and that’s why they could not react in time.

Advance training: To a question about plans for advance training of police and paramilitary forces, he said the government, in the aftermath of Quetta killing of Chechans, is mulling to make it mandatory for security personnel to spend 6-months in hospital’s labour room so that they can distinguish between 7-month pregnant ladies and terrorists wearing suicide jackets. He said the government is also considering to recruit midwives in security forces so that they can help troops distinguish terrorists from would-be mothers, adding that midwives would also tell some birds and bees to troops in their spare time because troops lacked this knowledge.
He also criticised ISPR for not informing television channels to run tickers such as “Awaam kay Pakistan army k huq mai naraay” while the operation was continuing.
When That’s Wrong team was leaving Joyeea’s house, he asked for a complimentary copy of the magazine, saying “Begum nay almarion mai akhbaar bachauni hoti hai”.
PS: I got the inspiration to write this post from my friend Paagal Insaan. All quotes and characters in the interview are fictional.